Snapshots of a psychedelic Mind

The little girl who was always tired

2011-11-18T02:10:00.000-08:00

Things were never the same. Time seemed slower, and she felt much less aware of everything. Often she would stare at the clock, willing the hands to move and prove to her that she was still alive. They would always move, eventually. Minutes passed like hours. Often she would fall asleep in the middle of the day, or wonder if she had fallen asleep. She hardly moved or spoke or ate, and she was always cold.She always seemed to be waiting. Sometimes it was hard to account for hours that had passed. There was a heaviness. She wished she could just evaporate. Maybe the emptiness already made her feel like she already was...

THE REAPER

2011-05-31T08:22:00.000-07:00

THE REAPER

A monologue
by Azelia Nathan

I have been unjustly accused. Cursed everywhere I go. I walk a lonely path. I am despised, deeply hated, by almost everyone. I am readily held responsible for some of the most unimaginable, excruciating things experienced by communities, families, and lovers. I am misunderstood. Shunned. They pin the crimes of others on me. I take the blame for their crimes of stupidity, and the crimes of fate, and the crimes of self abuse, and sometimes, even crimes of suicide. They say I am the enemy. The enemy of hope. The enemy of love. The irony is that I happen to be friends of both. Like a soldier at war, I have a duty to honour. In fact, like everyone else... perhaps even like you. I perform the same task day in and day out. I am just a necessary, if not more necessary, than the men who clean out your garbage every Sunday morning before the sunrise. Its funny how when it comes down to it, we perform the same core function. Although, if I am the garbage man, what does that make you? Do you blame him that you peeled a banana and have thrown out the peel? Is he scorned for taking it to where it is supposed to be?

I have been falsely accused. I have been denied the world you so easily take for granted. Did you know, I’ve never seen a wedding, never seen the light, the joy, that radiates from the eyes of a lover; only grief, only the last lingering moments at the tail end of a life.I only see the aftermath, the despair, the loneliness. I’ve watched the eyes of a person, slowly empty of prayer and hope, and fill with desperation and horror while they watch their lover fade away, in a cold hospital bed. I’ve stood witness to innocent children, shaking their parents, choking on their tears, begging for them to wake up, too young to comprehend the image of a blood stained body, and yet even they understand me, they know death when they see it. Their pleas will ring in my ears for iternity. What irony, that ones so young, that they could not understand a lover’s kiss, yet ,they know me. I’ve only ever witnessed one birth. A tragic one. I remember thinking how her tiny ears were robbed of ever hearing her mothers heart beat. And she ever would hear it. Her birth was not accompanied by joy, but greif and sorrow. She was whisked into another room, while everyone else wept at her mothers feet.

What do I know of food? I know what it is to watch your pet choke to death on a bone; I know what it is to scream silently in desperation as your face turns a shade of purple, your eyes dialating, and eventually having everything fade into a horrifying darkness. I know nothing of love, all I know is what it is to lose love in the most horrific, heart wrenching fashions. And sex does nothing but disgust me; the terrible, echoing cries for help, shrieks of helpless from thousands of raped women, and sometimes, raped children, whos cries pierce my soul like a dagger. Every time I close my eyes I can see the life slipping from theirs, the horror reflected by them, their last experience in life, now moving pictures in my head. For years and years they’ve played..

Through everything I’ve witnessed I will tell you the most beautiful thing I’ve seen. I was called into a house, I entered the bedroom and I saw an old woman lying in the arms of her husband. They looked up at me when I entered and smiled and she said, “We’ve been waiting for you.” And then they turned to one another, and they kissed each other, and then I took them both. The closest thing I have ever come to experiencing love was witnessing the sparkle in their eyes when they looked at one another, that sparkle still shines, a tiny light in the darkness. Even Death has hope, hope of freezing another moment of love in time, and perhaps this time I’ll understand what love is. I am Death, I come to you all. Without me, Life could never be reborn. It would linger and stagnate. I am the effect not the cause. Yes I have come but not of my own will, I am as trapped as the souls who call me.It really should be me who hates you.

Dedicated to the insane.

2010-06-07T21:55:00.000-07:00

Swollen eyes, he grinds his teeth while pulling at his hair,
Whilst cowering in a dark corner in a fit of despair.
Thoughts racing, heart beating faster than it should,
Opiated himself more than he ever thought he could.
-
Paranoid to no end with lack of oxytosin,
It only gets worse without his share of serotonin.
Receptors fucked and agitation rising like a tower,
Sweating like a godfucked pig, hour after hour.
-
Lonely, broke and jobless, he stares at the horizon,
A sign of freedom in contrast to his psychosis - an endless prison.
The rainbows and the clouds have all forsaken him to the edge
Of his limit and now he's about to step off that inviting ledge.
-
Nobody understands him, those insiduous bastards of annoyance,
Have raped him with their pretencious intensions and fucked with his tolerance.
To what end is he meant to stubbornly keep himself ostracized,
An anti-social masochist, ripped apart and self-victimzed.
-
The music helped - oh yes it did, so very long ago.
But that was before the pains inside had threatened to kill him slow.
A neurotic fragment of what he was, he can't go on like this,
Perpetually ripping apart innocent souls, sadistically he calls it bliss.
-
A self-induced plague of hedonistic fate,
He'd like to gauge your eyes out and lay them on a plate.
And skullfuck you, imaple you and stab his dick right through you,
You'd wish you knew, how the fuck he knew, when exactly and how to break you.
-
Paralyzed in hallucination of endless fucking slaughter,
the beast in him craves for sodomistic slaughter.
It lay forgotten how this automated and led to endless sorrow,
Continual pain, his demons unslain, there's always more for the morrow.

Victory Lap

2009-04-19T02:49:00.000-07:00

im the short one in red.

The Unsexy

2008-12-10T21:03:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, Belinda and i wanted to write a poem about making love and passion... We were brainstorming the elements that should be in the poem. Eventually, like all things we did in my short months in the convent, this happened.

it was getting very late,

He walked me to his gate;

His tie was out of date,

He whispered "Lets Mate";

I knew i should have opted to masturbate.

We inched into the closet like room,

He was marinated in cheap perfume;

He Leaned in for my lips, but kissed the broom,

Then he said, my ears were like the moon.

I felt like such a useless goon,

His back was hairy like a baboon,

I wished i could hit Zoom..

But, he promised he'd get a hard on soon.

He Haphazardly peeled off my lace,

i saw all the acne on his face;

I wished his fingers were at the right place;

He seemed to be moving at a petty pace.

He struggled to unhook my bra,

he pulled a condom from a yellow jar;

For some reason, he was calling me Sacha..

It was too late to run back to the car,

why did he have to park so fucking far?

i wanted to hit him with a crowbar;

I noticed his tatoo which said "made in india"

Something smelled of rotten cheese,

then i realised it was the wind he released;

i was asking God, "Take me now, please!"

He thought i was talking to him and said-

"get down on your knees".

2008-12-08T18:48:00.001-08:00

I wanted a guy who called me beautiful...but not too often...

i got a guy who calls me His...

i wanted a guy who called me back when i hung up on him..

i got a guy who tells me he's right outside my house when i hang up on him...

i wanted a guy that would stay awake just to watch me sleep..

i got a guy who promised me we'll fall asleep together every night someday....

i wanted a guy that whispers " that's her" to his friends when i walk by..

i got a guy that runs up to me and hugs me when i walk by...

i wanted a guy who was still crazy about me a Month or two down the road...

i got a guy who's still crazy about me Two Years down the road..

i wanted that guy that'll hold me close when i cry...

i got a guy that holds me close and makes me laugh through my tears.

i wanted a guy that isn't afraid to hold my hand in front of his friends..

i Got a guy who isn't afraid to hug me in front of his friends..

i wanted a guy who would throw pebbles at my window at night...because me misses me..

I Got a Guy who throws pebbles at my window after a big fight ...because he needs me...

i wanted a guy that missed me enough to call me every night when i changed schools...

I got a guy who missed me enough to walk to my house in the middle of the night to see me when i changed schools..

a guy that made my heart beat faster and slower at the same time..

i got that... and I got a guy who's heart beats faster for me...

I wanted a guy who always awaits my text reply....
I got a Guy who saves my Text messages just to look at when he misses me..

a guy that kisses me and tells me he cares...

I love it when we're right in the middle of a kiss and i can feel him smiling..

Black and White Rainbows

2007-12-05T23:44:00.000-08:00

If you've hung out with Sonia Rachel and me... This scenario shouldn't exactly be Alien to you...

Sonia: its Pink..
Azelia:no, its not pink... its Red-violet...
Sonia: AZelia!! stop trying to relate everything to purple just coz' u like it
Rachel:She'll never admit smthn is pink...

Truth be told, i have an indecent obsession when in comes to colours..... I aslo have a great love for music, and am rarely seen without my ipod around my neck. Being lifeless (grounded), i decided to look this up. Sure enough- i found an interesting article that states Rainbows and music are made of the same stuff just vibrating at a different frequency.

Im of the opinion, when you appreciate colour, you would also appreciate all creation. And, ONLY when it comes to colours- i am a perfectionist. But, Why? Well...perhaps I'm one who finds one of the scariest nightmares to be the one when i lived in a world of black and white rainbows.

Here are some facts that you probably didnt know about colours...

White alone has 7 distict shades.

69 % of people who's favorite colour belongs in the Cyan family think its blue... (thats about as wrong as saying they love red. To me at least) and another 29% think it belongs in the green family.

Only 14% of the wolrds population knows the exact name of their favorite colour.

Yellow and black has been proven to be the two most contrasting colours on earth.

What we see, feel, hear, taste and smell exists between the frequencies of red and violet

In a study by University of Washington in Louisville, people with red hair are more susceptible to pain and they need more anesthesia during an operation than people with other hair colour. Scientists explained that people with red hair have defective receptors that affect brain cells and influence pain sensitivity.

babies tend to cry more in yellow rooms

Leonardo da Vinci believed that the power of meditation increases 10 times when done in a purple light, as in the purple light of stained glass.

the human eye detects 10 million different colours

Ingesting small doses of ink over an extended period of time will change your eye color slightly

Below is an elightening chart on base colours, their various shades and their layman names...click on it.

(click it again with the magnifying glass to enlarge)

Dont take the rainbow for granted. Take the time to appreciate it.

Paradox

2007-11-29T03:09:00.000-08:00

I seemed to have developed a new interest, Paradoxes.

The Webster's dictionary defintion of a paradox is an assertation or proposition seeming absurd, yet true in fact. A seeming contradiction.

What this means is, a paradox is a statement that may be true, but seems to say two different things. Generally a puzzling conclusion we seem to be driven towards by our reasoning...

Famous paradoxes :

# Double Liar Paradox (Jourdain's paradox)
This version of a famous paradox was presented by English mathematician P. E. B. Jourdain in 1913.The following is written on opposite sides of a card:
.
Back side -->
THE SENTENCE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS CARD IS TRUE.
.
Face side -->
THE SENTENCE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS CARD IS FALSE.
.

#Simpsons paradox:
It is not necessarily true that averaging the averages of different populations gives the average of the combined population.

# What is better - eternal bliss or a simple bread?
What is better than eternal bliss? Nothing. But a slice of bread is better than nothing. So a slice of bread is better than eternal bliss.

A few sentences from life :

*Nobody goes to that restaurant; it's too crowded.
*Don't go near the water 'til you have learned how to swim.
*The man who wrote such a stupid sentence can not write at all.
*ADVERTISEMENT: Are you an analphabet? Write a letter and we will send you free of charge instructions how to undo it.

Think about these :

Let's say there is a bullet which can shoot through any barrier. Let's also say there is an absolutely bullet-proof armor which no object can penetrate. What will happen if such a bullet hits such an armor?

Can a man drown in the fountain of eternal life?

Your mission is not to accept the mission. Do you accept?

A girl goes into the past and kills her Grandmother. Since her Grandmother is dead, the girl was never born. If she were never born, she never killed her grandmother.

If the temperature this morning is 0 degrees and the Weather Channel says, "it will be twice as cold tomorrow", what will the temperature be?

Answer truthfully (yes or no) to the following question: Will the next word you say be 'no'?

What happens if you are in a car going the speed of light and you turn the headlights on?
i'll conclude with a challenge... come up with the best answer for this>>
#Crocodile Sophism
A slim crocodile living in the Nile took a child. His mother begged to have him back. The crocodile could not only talk, but was also a great sophist and stated, "If you guess what I will do with him, I will return him. However, if you don't guess his fate, I'll eat him." What statement should the mother make to save her child?

And She was Gone

2007-11-27T03:04:00.000-08:00

She chose to walk alone

Though others wondered why

Refused to look before her,

Kept eyes cast upwards,

Towards the sky.

She didn't have companions

No need for earthly things.

Only wanted freedom,

From what she felt were Puppet strings.

She longed to be a bird.

That she might fly away.

She pitied every blade of grass

For planted they would stay.

She longed to be a flame,

That brightly danced alone.

Felt jealous of the steam

That made the air its only home

Some say she wished too hard.

Some say she wished too long.

But we awoke one autumn day

To find that she was gone.

The trees, they say stood witness.

The sky refused to tell.

But someone who had seen it said

The story played out well.

She spread her arms out wide.

Breathed in the break of dawn.

She just let go of all she held...

And then she was gone.

Love

2007-11-26T23:51:00.000-08:00

-
-

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer,and not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness."

The Paradox is This- If you Love until it Hurts...There can be no more pain...Only More Love...

We always Believe our first love is our last;

And our Last love is our first...

Love is like an hour glass...The heart fills...as the Brain empties...

Love is the Condition...

in which the happiness of another person

is essential to your own...

Life is a FLower...in which Honey, is love.

I wont Pretend to Know what love is to everyone...

i can only tell you, what it is to me....

If three words Described love

they would be

Him & Me.

One set of Footprints

2007-11-21T23:08:00.000-08:00

One night a man had a dream.

He had a dream he was walking along a beach with God.

Across the Sky flashed scenes from his life.

For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand-

One belonged to him; the other, to God.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,

He looked back at the footprints in the sand-

He noticed many times along the path of his life,

There was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and

saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned God about it.

"Lord, you said that once i decided to follow you,

You'd walk with me all the way.

But i have noticed that during the most troublesome

times in my life, there is only one set of Footprints.

I don't understand why in times i needed you most,

You would leave me."

The Lord replied," My Precious,Precious child,

I Love You and i would never leave you during

your times of Trial and sufferings. When you see only

one set of footprints,

It was then that i carried you.."

-annonymous-

The day She slipped away

2007-11-21T01:35:00.001-08:00

When it began to sink it...i could actually see pain in my thoughts. Those thoughts later began to twist and tangle themselves to words. "If only I could relive that day, if only I had listened to that little voice inside me. If only I had spent more time with her that warm Sunday." Events of that day are pictures in motion in my head, for the past year they've played.

Her name was Zoë. I had not seen her for seven days. I had just come home to her after vacationing with the rest of our family. She was happy to se me, as she always was no matter what the circumstance. She had been battling this rare disease know as exocrine pancreatic insufficiency for over a year now. It is a disease that makes it difficult for her pancreas to produce certain enzymes that aid digestion. As a result she had been gradually losing weight over the period. It pained me to see the cards she had been dealt by life. She was furthest away form deserving it. She was never one to complain despite living in the hoods of starvation while having the privilege of food. The food the rest of us also had but always took for granted.

We had arrived at the approximately 3am the morning of that sad day. We were all tired and suffering from jet lag. I said my hello’s and gave her a hug then scurried of to sleep. I awoke late the next afternoon in time to out with the rest our family for a late lunch. Everyone that is, except for Zoë. I remember coming home with an ice-cream in my hand. I offered some to Zoë knowing she was in a state of hunger. Oddly, she refused it. I mentioned to my mother that I felt it was peculiar of her. My mother dismissed the notion. Saying it was probably nothing. Minutes later I had gone to my neighbor’s house with my mother and Zoë, bearing some souvenirs. I can so clearly see through my minds eye, Zoë walking up to the dying old man in the house next door to greet him. Everyone was so touched by the gesture. We returned home. An hour or two later, I noticed Zoë trying to forcibly vomit in the garden. I alerted my mother, who was quick to dismiss me again. As the minutes passed, I noticed her stomach beginning to fill with air.

The minutes turned to hours, and she didn’t seem to be getting any better. I sat beside her, wishing she could tell me what she was feeling. I rubbed ointment on her stomach while spooning medication into her mouth. My worries started increasing. As my next resort, I telephoned my father, and related my frustrations regarding my mother’s negligence to him. He then spoke to my mother over the phone telling her to take Zoë to her regular doctor. My mother was enraged at the fact I was complaining about her to my father behind her back. A fight erupted over the phone. All I heard was her side of the conversation.-“I don’t care anymore! Let her die. I’m sick and tired of this! Do it yourself!”

Just before midnight, my father came home. We earnestly called our regular doctor and explained to him Zoë’s condition. All that the doctor said was that he was ill and could not get out of bed. We then called another doctor that lived thirty minutes away. He told her Zoë had a condition called bloat. This is caused by inversion of the stomach when it is gas-filled. “The condition is fatal, rush her here now!” he said. So, we did. She slept on my lap the whole way. I could feel her tongue and nose becoming colder. These were signs of oxygen not circulating. When we reached the hospital, I remember carrying her in. the doctors tried to put her on drips, but her blood pressure was too low to inject anything. She then suddenly started coughing violently and fluids began gushing out her nose and mouth. She had a heart attack- and that was it-she was gone.

We never even got to say goodbye. My best friend just slipped away. Everything changed. I would never see her again. She was one that never judged me. That was never disappointed in me, and loved me unconditionally, no matter what I said or did. There would not be a Zoë wagging her tail when I got home, there would not be a Zoë to lick my tears away when I cried. She did not have to leave us. If only I had just called the doctor earlier instead of waiting for my father. The pain of losing my best friend is so intense, to this moment. I can only hope she is in a better place. Not one day passes that I don’t miss my German Shepherd, Zoë. Who was more than a dog, but my best friend.